apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
