i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
