I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Randomize
