I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
