Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
