Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
