I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
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He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
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Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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