Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
