I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
