Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
