If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
