she woke up with a sticky ear
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
