did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
