God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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