my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
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