In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
i think my cat just said my name.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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