My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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