im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
