KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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