I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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