a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
