i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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