Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
