oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
