Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize