Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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