im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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