We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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