Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Drake has all the answers
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
