Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
