Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
