This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
