He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
