If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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