If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
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Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
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As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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