i already hear my dad disowning me
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I want her autograph on my taint
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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