True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
