DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I am mentally ready for anal.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
