I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Randomize
