i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
