I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
