some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
