I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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