i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
not ubering you a puppy
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
