have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
