my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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