The maid of honor just puked.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
