he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
