Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
is it fun? or sober?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
