We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
