I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
We named our party play list daddy issues
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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