please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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