I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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