I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
