i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
