A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Say something about gay babies.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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