When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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