mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
