my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
