after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
